Not Without My Testicle

Thanks to everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and e-mails.

I got a call from my doctor Tuesday morning telling me that all the blood tests from the previous Tuesday were back:  no syphilis, gonorrhea.  HIV negative.  Hooray.  He said the pregnancy test was not back yet, at which point I said, "I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant."

There was a long pause.  And in that pause, I thought, OMG... what if I AM pregnant!?  Stranger things have happened!  Just look at Mary.  I could be the next immaculate conception.

"Well... we need to wait and see," he said, distracted by something.  "So when are you scheduled for surgery?"

I shot up in bed.  The urologist had mentioned the surgery biopsy as one of the options, but, "uh... first I'm hearing about it."

He stammered.  "Uh... well... uh... maybe the urologist is just waiting to see your blood test, or you know... to see if the mass--"

I cut him off, "Did you just tell me something I wasn't supposed to know!?"

Again, silence.

"So it's a pretty foregone conclusion I'm having surgery next week."

Again a pause.  "I would say it's a pretty foregone conclusion that it's going to be removed next week, yes.  I'm sure he'll go over this on Friday."

So I had resigned myself to the surgery at that moment.  And frankly, I've been in so much pain and misery and trying to work through this, that I was actually looking forward to surgery, just so I wouldn't have to go into the office for a week and a half.

Today a nurse called me.  "Just wanted to let you know that your blood is all good.  Everything's fine."

SAY WHAT!?

It's like someone telling you, your house is on fire and then their assistant calls and says, "oops, wrong house."  But you're all, "why is there smoke coming from my crotch!?"

Since Wednesday, I haven't been in as much pain.  As I told Zen, I don't know if it's just that I've acclimated to the pain.

I called my doctor's assistant and asked him, "what does this mean!?"  I mean, how do you go from "it's a pretty foregone conclusion" to "fine" in less than 48 hours?  Especially when he hasn't felt me up?

It would seem to me, that perhaps having a nurse calling and telling you a day before the big "go or no go" for surgery is really not a good idea.  Telling the patient "everything is good" and then 24 hours going in and having a doctor say, "yeah, about that... sorry, you're going under tomorrow..."  Like I haven't been on a roller coaster enough with this whole damned thing.

So tonight I'm more anxious than I would have been if I hadn't got that call. 

The lumps are still there.  What I DON'T want to happen is go in tomorrow and and have him tell me, "well, your blood is clear.  We just don't know what it is, so just keep an eye on it."  If he does that, I will grab a scalpel and slice into myself and scream, "take it out!"

The pain isn't as bad, but there's still pain.

At the same time, I don't want to go in and have him tell me, "well, the blood markers don't show any form of cancer, but we still need to go in and open you up because we don't know what it is."

The whole thing just sucks, but at least it will be over tomorrow.