An Open Letter to Ryan Murphy

Dear Ryan:

(Can I call you Ryan?  You know what, since you mind-raped me... let me just call you asshole.)

Dear asshole:

What the fuck!?

That's right - I said it - FUCK.  No, f(pound sign)- "u" "c" "k" - we're going gangster with the whole F-U-C-K.

I can not begin to put into words how angry I am right now.

Okay, first off... in case you didn't realize, your first victim happened BEFORE Quentin arrived in town.  So I guess it's just LUCK that Christian and Sean found him in Atlanta.

Secondly... IF for some stupid ass reason you decide to reveal the CARVER(S) as Kit  (I'm not even going to go into the fact you reveal she was a child growing up in Northern Maine, yet she has a British accent) and Quentin... here's a newsflash... DON'T, I repeat... DON'T SHOOT publicity stills of them and POST them on the fxnetworks.com website.

I mean, you go to all this trouble to create a "profile" of the Carver on MySpace... lending clues... which granted, many people picked up on the twins reference and said, "it's twins... it's two people...."  BUT TO RELEASE THE DAMNED PHOTOS!?  You IDIOT!!

When we learned "Who Killed Laura Palmer" did we have a photo call?  When we learned "Who Shot JR" did we have a photo call?  Hell, when we learned who shot Mr. Burns on the Simpsons, DID WE HAVE A PHOTO CALL?  When Vader told Luke, "I AM YOUR FATHER!"  When Sydney Bristow learned her mother was alive on Alias?  When Fallon Colby was taken away  on "Dynasty" by aliens... DID WE HAVE A FUCKING PHOTO CALL?!  THE ANSWER, Mr. Murphy, is NO!  NO!  We did NOT!  WHY?  Cause PHOTOS can be RELEASED.

And the cast has said, "it's unguessable."  Funny, I never realized the SAG HAD members there were pronounced BRAIN DEAD.  Cause Quentin as the Carver to me is, well unguessable... cause it's STUPID!  "It's brilliant," they said.  What, did you give them a mug as a wrap gift with a gift certificate to Louis Vitton for that?  BRILLIANT?  BRILLIANT!?

In case you are not keeping score... I've invested close to $60 in rental fees to catch up on the show on DVD.  I've spent hours on research and investing in the alleged clues...  But hey, we'll just shoot stills of the two actors in question and post the on the internet the day of show!

And whatever happened to LIZ?  We all knew she was a misdirect, but you misdirected her right out of the fucking episode!

Even then... after Quentin was revealed as the Carver, staring into the camera before going to commercial, my roommate had to talk me away from cutting MYSELF... "Dude, it's gotta be a dream..." he said.   But no, later, after Kit "shoots" Quentin, we have her whole monologue about his past and his sister.  At that point I said, "no, this is it..."

Then we learn GINA came by the office.  And never have I been so happy.  GINA!!   HIV positive Gina!!  Little Miss, every other line ends with the word "asshole."  "Hey, asshole."  "I'm pregnant, asshole."  "What's new, asshole?"  I said you would never in a billion years have her as the Carver... but YES!!!  I'll take Gina!!  Sadly no.   No, she was dropping off a present for Christian... which led me to believe, "oh thank God.  this entire episode is supposed to be an absurd dream.  Because Gina would NEVER drop off a present to Christian." 

But no.  No, you decided this was not some sort of nightmare I was living for two hours.  No, we end on Quentin and Kit in Spain looking for a new victim.

Quentin:  "I rape to enlighten."  (Boy howdy... I'm sure there are millions of victims who would love to get you for this alone...)  "I rape to enlighten."  (Funny, my rape experience watching this wasn't the least bit...) He tells this to Christian as he is tied up. 

I'm sorry, see, I thought you created Christian to be a strong, enigmatic character.  If "I" had written that line, "I rape to enlighten," (after Christian mentions, "like you enlightened Kimber?") I would have written "And Christian chews threw his restraints."  Did you have to drug Julian McMahon during filming?  Cause I know actors.  I know how protective they are in regards to their characters.  And I know Julian.  So, what did you have to drug him with to get him to go along with this crap script?

AND THEN - THEN - Kit "shoots" him... but he's not dead... (cause we all know the Dade County Coroner's office would have missed that blood pack strapped to his stomach.  You idiot.) Why?  Why did he need to tie up Christian and Sean to "fake" his death later?  If "I Can't Stop" was what was spelled in blood... why did he? 

And would Kit REALLY reveal her entire background.... oh, I mean Quentin's?  I'm telling you right now, not a single soul in my screenwriting class would have bought that.  Not in a million years.

And am I just wrong, or would having your penis cut off (Cherry Peck) be a little more traumatic?  I'm thinking if my dick was cut off with a box cutter - I might not be able to climb up out of a grave, hit my attacker over the head with a shovel and then shoot him.  Granted, that's never happened to me... but chances are, if I did... I would hope the son of a plastic surgeon would be on the phone ASAP to his father and go, "yo, my friend just had his dick lopped off, we were held at gun point by a crazy person, please help...:" and NOT, "I had a really bad day."

I would have taken Brittany Snow!  I would have taken her father!  Hell, I would have taken Nurse Linda who has one line an episode.  I would even have gasped over Sean's dead ex-girlfriend who we saw kill herself and watched as he scattered her ashes.

Dude, you suck.

I'm not even going to go into the whole, "where is Kimber thing."  Kelly Carlson could use the first episode as her Emmy nom for next season... but apparently seeing Kimber in the second episode wasn't necessary.  Frankly, I'm curious where Annie has been all season.  And while we're on the subject of missing people... is Julia's mother dead or alive - or could you not decide?  And what happened to Brittany Snow at the end of the episode?  Did daddy just load up Matt and Willam and drive them out by himself?

And I'm sorry... I obviously missed this plot point at some point... WHY did Kitt move to Miami to work as a cop only to leave at the end "because her job was done?"  Funny thing... here in Glendale, our cops don't stop working only to move back to London after they find out who the bad guy is.

Maybe the reason in interviews with the cast in the past weeks, "it's not necessarily WHO is the Carver as much as it is WHY is the Carver" (the generic answer they all spew on command) is because THEY couldn't figure out what elementary reason you decided to make these two the Carvers.  Because the fans came up with a list of better suspects than you could. 

Why not my friend Larry Sullivan?  He was Kit's partner on an episode.  Larry has a penis.  He wouldn't even need to fake it.

And what is the deal with you and people with penises (sp?) and without?  Famke (Ava) doesn't have one but had one.   Apparently Quentin never had one.  Liz straps one on (as does apparently Quentin and Kit).  Willam (Cherry) has one but wants to get it cut off.  Sophia had hers cut off.  Mr. Alderman wanted Matt to cut Cherry's off.  Seriously, I expected a dildo to be the Carver.

Where is my Famke?  My dear, sweet Famke?  I mean, Alec Baldwin gives me the creeps, but I would have settled for him.  Why couldn't it have been Famke?  Have you learned NOTHING from fans?  WE LOVE THE BAD GUY.  We WANT to see the bad guy return.  We DO NOT like bad guys we DON'T like.

Not that I ever plan on watching this damned show ever again, but even if did, I never want to see Rhona Mitra and Bruno Campos again.  Yes, I know they are actors, but in my mind they are accomplices in my rape.  I don't ever want to see these two actors ever - in any series, movie, or infomercial, ever again. 

It's obvious to me and anyone with a pulse you just want to kill the show.  Your contract is up after next season.  Don't worry, I'm not planning on watching the show any longer.  So if you were looking for NEGATIVE Nielson points, you won mine.

See, I was fooled into thinking your show was intelligent.  To look beyond the obvious.  So what a great reveal.... the obvious IS the obvious!  You idiot.

And that whole Cherry/ Matt storyline happening along the same time as the Sean/ Christian storyline... come on.  Willam is a friend of mine and I didn't even care. 

Is it SUPPOSED to be ironic that the Carver has no penis?  Is it supposed to be that the mastermind behind the entire operation had no balls?  Or am I mistaking you and the Carver?  Just curious.

I guess, if anything, I should thank you.  Because WHEN my work as a writer comes to fruition, I plan to create story lines for an INTELLIGENT audience... one that can actually think and not have the storyline handed to them in episode one. 

At 10:00 PM you were my hero.  At midnight you became what I want to be.  Someone in a position of power and creativity.  The difference is, I plan to use it and actually be entertaining.  Engaging.  Intelligent. Thought provoking.  Keeping your hooked until next season.

Thanks for the disappointment.

Tell me what you don't like about yourself, Ryan asshole... I hope it's your audience.  Cause you fucking lost it.  Stupidity... is a curse on the world.

-C